my Daddy loves me :)

i recently went on a retreat to a wonderful place called mountain harbor. although it rained all weekend, it was beautiful and perfect.

i was just talking with my mom a few minutes ago and telling her that i would love to be able to go back on that retreat again tomorrow. it was life changing for me and i want to relive it. but you know what i've realized? some things were revealed to me there about myself, but now it's time that i learn more about it and put it into practice.

what i learned.....well, my entire life i have been in church. it almost makes me tired just thinking about it. because it was not until this summer that i actually understood what it's all about. I AM MY FATHER'S OBSESSION. if you know me at all you know that i've been saying that phrase over and over. but i just can't get over it. i am my father's obesession. his thoughts for me outnumber the grains of sand. i could go on and on. so it was this summer that i learned that, but it wasn't until this weekend that i learned something else that i believe is going to change the way i do life.

there have been very few times in my life that i felt completely free during worship. my heart has always had this kind of heaviness to it. i've just always felt that there was something in my heart that needed to be taken care of, but i didn't know what it was...until this weekend. i realized that the reason i had always felt that way was because i was performing. that's it. i wasn't in it to know god more. i was in it to impress people. to make my parents proud of me. especially my dad who is the most like jesus i have ever seen a person be (well him and nelson from the dominican republic....he was alot like jesus too) i just wanted to prove to my dad that i cuold be like him....so crazy...because he flat out loves me. i don't have to perform...i don't have to say the right things or do the right things to make him love me...he just does. i can mess up and still go sit in his lap, at 21 years old, and he will tell me he loves me and that he's proud of me.

but my mom on the other hand...although i know she loves me with all her heart, has given off the vibe that i DO have to do and say and be the right things to get her approval. she's even taught me that i have to be all the right things to be accepted with friends...and just in the world in general. that's where this whole "prove yourself" mentality came from. i want you guys to realize how messed up i've been. even now as i write this, i keep thinking about..oooh who will read this? will it impress them? that is crap. i started off wanting to write this so that maybe some girls could learn from what i'm learning. but my mind is so messed up that i start thinking the wrong way. i am training for a marathon. but today i had to sit down and decide if i even like running. i had to decide if i was doing it because i loved it and for my health, or if i was doing it to show people how "cool" i can be. i know that sounds dumb but that's just how my mind has been working for the past 21 years. but that's all going to change during this season of learning and brokenness. i want god to break me...take out all the junk that's keeping me from being real and honest in life. i don't care if it's painful. it's time for me to change.

god revealed that to me....where my lifelong heart heaviness came from. now all i have to do is let him fix me. let him show me that it's not the opinions of others that matter. it doesn't matter if i am wearing the right thing, or if i'm feeling skinny, or whatever. IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER. my god loves me. he treasures me. he calls me out into the wilderness and speaks tenderly to me. he longs to bless me. I AM MY FATHER'S OBSESSION.